got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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