Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
