We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
