JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
