I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
