I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
