cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
