In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
