this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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