I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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