I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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