just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
