It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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