all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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