your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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