Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
