I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
