She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
