I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
