True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
