I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
