I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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