can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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