Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
