dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
