Barsexuality is the new black.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
