Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
