when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
