I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
