he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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