that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
