I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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