Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
