I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
