In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
