Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
