Will you blow on my dice?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
