I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
