Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
