I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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