GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
