Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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