Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
