I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
