did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
