Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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