If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
