Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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