Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
