we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
