Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
