You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
