Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
