i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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